How to Human

Juniper headed back to the House of Keahak, still pondering the experience she had just had. The House, feeling Juniper’s thoughtfulness, welcomed her home with a wrap-around porch. And at the end of the porch was a new addition to the furniture… a swing bench hung facing the sunset. Juniper took the hint and plonked down on the bench, hitching her legs under her which set the swing going.

Jeez what a day, she thought as the swinging of the bench, and the sensual colours of the sunset put her right to sleep.

Juniper started awake from a touch to her shoulder. She looked up into Master Jupiter’s smiling face.

 Juniper and Jupiter shared a tiny slice of humanity. Both their current Earth life experiences, go by the name of Jennifer. And as all Jennifer’s all over the world will know, there’s something about meeting another Jennifer, no matter how different, there’s a shared “something”.

“You’ll get a stiff neck from sleeping in that position. Long day?” she said.

Juniper sat up, yawning and moved over to make space for Jupiter. “Long….and decidedly weird,” she replied.

“You’re teaching a class.” Jupiter settled onto the bench and took in the view, “Wow, the House really placed this perfectly.”

“How’d you know? About the class?” Juniper asked.

Jupiter smiled, “Oh the schedule was posted inside the house around lunchtime, and it’s been abuzz ever since”.

“I’m not the only one?” Juniper let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Somehow, knowing others were in the same boat made it easier.

Before Jupiter could reply, the front doors to the House smashed open to reveal TADAH!!

Name changes may be frequent and inexplicable in the House, the writer apologies for any confusion. Following a rather rigorous debate in The HoK somewhen, not so long ago, the feeling was expressed that the term “Master” did not resonate with some; and was summarily dropped from many monikers. The awesomeness formerly known as Master AHAAHH!! has since transformed into TESA (The Ever So Amazing) AHAAHH!!, which led to a much shorter debate with Master John regarding the length and complexity of the new name, which led to TADAH!!

The writer was secretly pleased.

“There you are,” she exclaimed immediately zeroing in on the swing bench. “Get inside! You’re missing all the fun!”

Jupiter and Juniper looked at each other, a rising giggle floating to the surface, they stood and headed inside.

Juniper took a second to take in the scene. The House was hosting 6 living rooms at the same time. Three to the right, three to the left, and all six were full. Debates were raging in all of them.

TADAH!! was gesturing for them to join her in the first room to the left. At its center Juniper could see Master Omiyeah gesticulating with passion, a notebook in her left hand, a pencil in her right. Juniper locked eyes with TADAH!! questioningly, which was answered with a pointing hand to Master Omiyeah’s feet… she was standing in a tiny puddle.

Master Omiyeah turned to Juniper which easily revealed that she was not pleased.

“That Dog!!” Master Omiyeah pointed to the floor where Harold was sitting looking quite pleased with himself. He perked up when he realised all eyes were on him, before rather piss-illy saying,  “What? I appear, where I am needed.”

“THAT DOG!!” Master Omiyeah was having none of it. Juniper fervently wished the House would present Harold with a distraction. The House always at service seemed to move space so as to bring into focus another Master, in another living room, in need of Miss Pissy’s services.

“Ah! I see I’m needed.” Miss Pissy stood up from where Harold was sitting and went to work.

“See, he’s gone. Now go on telling us about your lecture plan.” TADAH!! distracted Master Omiyeah back to her gesticulating notebook and pencil.

“While, she” the gesticulating pencil pointed to Juniper, “gets to lecture about Humanities Cycles, what do I get assigned? Good old day-to-day life experiences. Let’s see.” The House was sensing a performance and reacted seamlessly, as Master Omiyeah started off with her lecture plan.

“How to waddle on icy and slippery ground. Hint: it’s best to take penguins as standard.” The House was raising Master Omiyeah up onto a tiny stage as she continued, “How to remove ice from a windshield without crashing it!”

Now in full swing on her tiny stage, a lectern appeared where upon she laid the gesticulating notebook.

“Potato peeling and taking a douche with a plaster cast at forearm; Sock dressing with severe lumbago; How to avoid important decisions while having a strong urge to urinate. Itchy relief by mirror scratching; The hundreds and hundreds of languages on earth, with only the help of the universal word “huh”; The proper use of defecating dogs to determine a north-south line; On the reception and deception of pseudo-profound bullshit AND The mésalliance of hard cooled butter with fresh warm toasted bread.”

The list was concluded to loud applause from all in the room.

“It’s going to be hit! For Sure!” came from Master Aloha who had sashayed into the room unnoticed during the performance. “Here’s two more for your list,” she said, “The 5-second rule for food: It’s real, if you choose it. And, Paying Your Bills, a fun game to play when your bank account is empty.

“You should call it, “How to Human”. Juniper added.

“Thank you Juniper, I think I will!” Omiyeah (now sans-Miss Pissy), smiled at all assembled before taking her leave.

“And what about you dear TADAH!!”, Juniper turned to her friend who was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. “Oh, I got Humor,” TADAH!! replied with ease and Juniper got the distinct impression she was UP to something.

Suddenly serious TADAH!! looked Juniper in the eye and said, “I have an idea. It’s a bit MAD but I think it’ll make an impression. I’m going to need your help, but I can’t say anymore. Or it’ll spoil the surprise. So just remember, if I pop up unexpectedly, just play along!”

Juniper could only laugh for she knew she would get no more out of TADAH!! and would have to wait for the surprise.


Postscript from The Writer



This story was made possible by the Masters mentioned in the story… Thank You for playing along!

Thank you for reading! The Writer runs on coffee …

One thought on “How to Human

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