Death and Taxes

Juniper all but crawled home from the Pirates Pub, her bag still filled with unread Shouds. Meeting up with old friends at the Pub led to drinking way too much whiskey and she knew she’d be paying the price the next day… even here in Theos.

She made it safely to the front steps of the House of Keahak where she settled on the top step, leaning against the Oscar-in-a-Rainbow statue.

Oh, my friend, she thought, if only you were more… here.

The Statue sent off a slight shiver, just enough to make Juniper take note.

She turned slowly to look at the “Oscar-Problem”, whispering “Did you say something?”

Another shiver.

“You know … this must be your crystal prison, like the one Adamus kept telling Shaumbra about in the early days. The one he was stuck in for a thousand years. I wonder if any of the Shaumbra ever figured out that, that Crystal Prison was none other than the Human Body,” she mused.

The Human Body, after all, is nothing more than a crystal, did you know that – she communed to Oscar.

You can pick yourself up you know. I don’t believe it’s the House, keeping you prisoner. It’s you, yourself.

I wish you would, I could really use a bit of help with this assignment. I feel a tad daunted by the task.

Another shiver.

Come on Oscar! Wake up!!! You’re the Devil after all… how difficult can it be to shake off this Rainbow cloak and rise up!

Nothing happened.

You must not be ready then, she communed.

Not my fault you know… you downed that cocktail before I could even utter a word. I would have warned you that TADAH’s cocktails are not to be taken lightly. They pack a punch. I will admit, I don’t believe even she knew it would knock you out like this.

Too much colour, she thought. Hell is pretty dark, apart from the flames! She giggled at the thought, knowing that hell is nothing more than an illusion created by Humans. I wonder why they would do that? Create this fiery pretend place to spend eternity in?

Thinking back on some of her experiences Down Under, she knew that life in a human body was for all intents and purposes hell for many. Including her own human, who was currently facing not only hell but Death and Taxes!

She felt for her Human, who was a Motherfucker in the best possible way.

“Did you know… she said out loud to no-one as no-one was present, that the term Motherfucker used to be a compliment? Raven shared that specific piece of wisdom with me while we were travelling through Old Earth. There was one they called Dagda, a figure only known now as myth, but a real man at one point. He was Raven’s other. The story went that he used to seed the Great Mother. As in, sowed his seed into the Mother to regenerate her. Sowing the seeds of love as it were. Hence, fucking the Mother. Motherfucker!”

Juniper burped most unladylike and followed it up with a giggle.

A slightly more vibrant shiver came from Oscar.

She turned and looked hard at the fallen devil, crawling next to him so she was nose to nose.

“Are you pretending?” she whispered.

“Ssssshhhhhhh…,” was all that came from the statue. It sounded like a deflating balloon.

“You are! You are pretending! Come on Oscar, get up already! You’ve stayed on the porch long enough. There’s work to do! Here and Down there. We need you. The Devil has become a favourite character in many TV series Down on Old Earth you know? You’re famous! And they cast the best actors to play you. It’s something to be proud of. It’s not necessary for you to stay hidden here. I’m sure the Prof would let you enrol.  Can’t imagine the Devil’s not a Master of Energy, “ she mused.

“Just a little longer,” came softly from the statue.

Bloody Hell she thought. A Devil who wants to stay wrapped in a Rainbow cloak pretending to be a statue on the porch of the House of Keahak. You couldn’t make this shit up. Seriously.

“Well have it your way. I’m going to bed.”

Juniper stumbled to her feet and started walking to the front door when her foot got stuck.

She looked back and saw that Oscar had moved and grabbed her foot.

“Just a little longer…” came softly again.

“What? You want me to sleep on the porch!?”

A tiny shrug from the statue let off a few rainbow bubbles. One burst on Junipers leg. It made her giggle again.

“Oh … all right then. I feel less drunk all of a sudden. Maybe I can get some reading done.” She settled with her back to the Oscar-statue and leisurely leaned to touch the House with her right fingertips.

“Friend,” she said, “a little reading light please, seeing as Theos decided there would be no moon tonight.”

The House obliged with a sparkling of floating reading lights.

Right! Let’s see what these Shouds have to offer then, as she pulled the first one out of her bag and started reading.



Meanwhile, at the Ascended Master’s Club, UA unceremoniously kicked down the door.

“Right Motherfuckers, where is HE!?”

Ascended Masters scattered to get away from SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED!

Leaving St G standing alone in a wide circle, looking around frantically for support which was not coming. It was every Ascended Master for themselves. Apart from Kuthumi, who was keeping close and trying ever so hard to not burst out laughing.

“I told you this was coming…” he murmured to the AM next to him.


UA was nose to nose with St G who was doing his very best to not flinch.

“Uhm… how may I be of service?” he stuttered.

The other AMs looked at each other wondering how this was going to end. It was inevitable really. Everyone knew it was coming, as these two had known each other since the very beginning.

St G being just a character acted out by a much, much older consciousness who will remain nameless for his own protection.


St G started responding with “Now remember, my dear, No more…”

But UA wasn’t going to let him get that sentence out…. “DEAR?? DEAR??? Really? Clearly, you’ve forgotten who I AM! I EAT DEER FOR BREAKFAST MOTHERFUCKER! DON’T YOU, MY DEAR ME!!”

From the vantage of all gathered, UA seemed to be growing in size, until SHE was towering over him, poking him in the chest with a very big index finger she glowered, “Make this right, or there will be consequences. Do you understand me?”

St G swallowed hard, which only made Kuthumi giggle like a schoolgirl.


“Uhm? Make it right. NOW!” UA yelled before twirling on the spot landing an amazing quadruple pirouette that would have made most ballerinas chuck up their breakfast with envy, before storming out of the AM Club.

“Told you,” Kuthumi said to his friend, “told you not to fuck with her. But would you listen? Nooooo. You never listen, my friend. I told you… no need to trigger her awake, she’s the most awake thing on the planet. Always has been. Always will be.”

St G turned to the bar and indicated he was in need of a Big One. ‘I suppose I’d better Do A Thing then.”

“Ya think?” Kuthumi responded patting his friend on the back, “Don’t worry, I’ll help.”


To be continued… with A Thing… we hope.


PS The Writer has no idea what just happened. We await… A Thing, to happen.

PPS Some wise man once said, write drunk, edit sober. UA had other ideas. It was written drunk, period. Oh well… It Doesn’t Matter. Remember?

PPPS Someone… please… feed the cat.


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